Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Been Working So Hard Haven't Been Able to Blog

Life is funny. When I was doing organizational development consulting, or practicing at being moderately unemployed as it were, there always seemed to be enough time to write on a blog. However, when I got a full time job, the extra moments just seemed to slip away and I forget to do all of the things that make my life fun. It is for this reason that I am revisiting my blog and will tell you, dear readers a new story.

This year I will be old enough, and then some, to qualify for the senior discount at all retail establishments including restaurants and, on Tuesday, at every Ross store in the US. To mess with folks, I tell a small white lie and declare that I am five to ten years older than I am. People who don't know me will turn and with a shocked expression exclaim, " I can't believe you are 70 years old!" It is sick but I always feel better after being told I look so good for my age. Trust me compliments are more and more difficult to come by after you reach the tender age of 50 so store them up in your heart, like a little squirrel storing nuts for the winter. It will pay off untold benefits as you sit in your rocker and bring to mind your glory days.

As a means of staving off the ravages of age, I am using a very expensive, for me, brand of makeup that has a product called, The LIFT. It is fabulous. It pulls up every part of the sagging under eye area that shows up on older than 25 year old women and makes you look like you have just rubbed on a quart of Preparation H onto your face with exceptional tightening results. It is great stuff and I do not share this miracle product with anyone except for my darling husband.

And here is the rub... He is using my "LIFT" and being accosted in the Bi-Mart Store by old and skanky women who think he is just so cute and young looking! I will tell you that I am not amused. It appears that he was in line checking out with a bag of something and an old woman, probably my age but he swears she was really, really, old, started to talk to him and ask him what he was going to do for the weekend.

Now darling husband is not so unaware that he does not know when a woman is trying to make time with him but he was polite and answered her by saying, " I don't know. My wife and I haven't decided as yet. " Where upon, the skanky witch offered him her card and said, " Well if you decide you need some company...give ME a call'!

Well, after he told me the story of his escape from the clutches of the old woman in Bi-Mart, I decided to take action. No I did not stake out the store and lie in wait for to accost and bruise her. If he had taken her card, I might have thought about calling her and divorcing him but I decided to take defensive action non, the less. I took another bottle of the "LIFT" and watered down the contents. It has been fun to see him pour the stuff on his face and to know that it is not working as well as it used to for him. I defy the old heifer roaming the aisles of Bi-Mart to try it on him again.

Just imagine the way my mind works; she recognizes him from the back as she stands in line at the Bi-Mart and touches him gently on the shoulder to get his attention. Whereupon he turns slowly and with a face that only Dorian Gray's mother could love greets her smile with a wrinkly faced grin. Gotcha you old woman.

I love my man and I don't want to share. Next week he can use the undiluted LIFT again as I do appreciate a man with looks. Plus he promised me that he will no longer frequent the Bi-Mart store on River Road ever again. We shall see...